I read somewhere, “If you’re not feeling it, you’re not there.”
After the weekend’s writing work, I believe that’s so.
The following piece comes from my journal.
NOVEMBER 24, 2019.
There aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything I wand and need to do.
I didn’t write in here yesterday because rather than spend my morning writing time doing that, I spent it working on getting caught up on email and a few household chores so I could have the afternoon totally free to work on my manuscript.
It paid off too. I got an entire chapter reworked and put into the draft. 3,769 words worth of grueling writing work. It was incredibly hard to rip out and rebuild that chapter. Not only was it in need of huge sections of dialog from the characters and from my internal voice, but it also needed huge sections of action scenes in place of the ponderous sections of droll telling.
It was emotionally charged as well. The time period of which I was writing was one that spoke of a time when I was reasonably happy and Donnie was most like the man I fell in love with. I was in fact, overcome with emotion a few times, and had to simply stop and sit with what I was feeling allowing it to wash through me and come out as heart-breaking sobs until the tide had passed.
I hadn’t known I had any feelings where Donnie is concerned other than rage. As it turned out, I learned I still cared for that part of him which could be when he allowed it tinder, loving, and kind. I also realized that part of him is tainted with a monstrously abusive perverted being which I must make certain not to allow myself near.
I cannot dilute that on any level. I must remember the things he’s done both to me and others, especially that which has been proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt to defenseless children. I mustn’t be taken in by his ability to charm. I must remind myself that though snakes are beautiful they’re also deadly.
This writing project has turned into much more than I ever expected it would and on the one hand I feel excitement and yes, a bit of pride in resurrecting these memories and bringing them out in such bright vivid colors. On the other it has been much like ripping open a wound which has closed but never properly healed inside.
As I’ve previously mentioned, my therapist believes this to be a healthy pursuit and as I’ve also mentioned, I agree but I wasn’t prepared for what took place in my heart and mind yesterday.
Now it has passed though, I can’t wait to get back into the work. There are after all, only 8 more chapters to go. I’m going down the homestretch and soon the first draft will be complete.
Then the painstaking work of editing and tightening will ensue and once that’s done I’ll turn it over to the ‘Ax Murder’ Editor and once we’ve tossed it back and forth making changes here, there and everywhere it will be birthed into the light of day for all the world to read.
When I think of that my heart does a rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat drum beat while my stomach does rollovers in time.
What will people think? Will they think me a fraud because I’ve put so much new material into it because they cannot imagine how I could recall so much? Will they believe that I in fact, kept copious journals from that time in my life and that they’ve traversed throughout all these years with me? Do I care?
The answers to those questions are…
“I don’t know.” And “I don’t really care.”
I’ve made it clear why I write. I’ve spoken of it many times and there’s no need to go through all that again. I write as I do, and I live as I live. As I’ve told you before, a wise friend once said to me, “Be yourself. Let everyone else worry about being themselves.” That was and is great advice and though it took me nearly an entire decade to learn now that I’ve done it there’s no way I’m going back into that noisome jabbering cave full of idiot voices that once was my mind.
Last night, as I sat in a steaming tub of water soaking the kinks out of my back and neck from sitting hunched over my Laptop for 9 hours only breaking long enough to take Campbell out into the furiously pouring rain for his relief times and to gulp down food when my stomach refused to be quieted with a handful of almonds and hot cup of tea I was in complete wonderment at the realization that for what reason I don’t know the beast of Bipolar which has so violently ravaged my life with what would be to most “Normal” people unimaginable vehemence has somehow gone quiet. While I still have a light bout of depression a few days each month, and I’m still gripped with amazing periods of energetic mania, I don’t feel that constant sense of nothingness I lived with for years.
Is it due to the fact that I finally found something all my own? Is it because I accepted myself just as I am? Is it because I’m finally taking the right cocktail of meds? I believe the answer is yes to all. I believe it is all those things.
I also believe it is also the constant state of faith in which I live. I am 100 percent certain that it is my unwavering contact with my higher power that is most responsible for this gorgeous time of peace in my life.
Never before did I understand “that peace which passes all understanding.” Now, I’m on my chosen spiritual path which is correct for me I know and understand.
I’ve only to get up each morning and proclaim…
There is no part of my body which does not belong to the Goddess.
There is no part of my life which does not belong to the Goddess.
I am she, and she is me.
We are one, yet we are we.
So Mote It Be. Blessid Be.
Just making that commitment of putting my entire being into the hands of Mother Father God each day is enough. It is indeed all one needs to do to be healed.
Will I ever come off these meds? I doubt it. But that’s alright. Was not one of Jesus’ own disciples a doctor? Are not men and women given the gift of understanding medicine and are we not all given the power of healing? Did Jesus not say, “Heal thy self?”
Of course he did. And I believe that is what is taking place here.
Maybe one day I will indeed come into a state of being where I can come away from the need for medications. Maybe one day I’ll live in such a high state of consciousness of spiritual enlightenment that I’ll not need such things but for now, I’m reasonably stable and happy.
And, my friends with that I must go. My time of free flow writing is up. The wakeup alarm on my phone has sounded and this means that it is time to tend the Bubba Beasty, and that’s a chore I love.
*NOVEMBER 26, 2019.
After taking Campbell to the vet yesterday afternoon, we’ve determined that he’s arthritis in his spine, thus the reason for his increase in symptoms of discomfort.
We’ve increased the medications he was already on and added a new one. We’re hopeful this will alleviate at least some of his discomfort. I’ll of course update as time goes on.
For now, I must go. I’ve an extremely busy day ahead. For today I must begin in real earnest, the arduous task of putting together the, Tell-It-To-The-World Marketing (Author, Blogger, Business Assist) Books and Those Who Make Them Happen Holiday Edition Catalog.
I received a ton of wonderful entries and I cannot wait to have it all done so I can properly tell the world about all the wondrous talent of my Client family members.
Until next time this is Patty who is both nervous and excited about this upcoming great piece of work and King Campbell who will turn 11-years-old on Thanksgiving day and believes most fervently that Turkey is cooked on this day for his special day saying…
Thank you for reading, liking, commenting on and sharing our work.
May harmony find you.