Seeking Strength Through My Struggles
Patty L. Fletcher
September 16, 2018
The rain was pouring when I woke around 5:30 and somehow even before my feet hit the floor I knew today would be a difficult day. It seemed as though there would be no end to the constant state of struggle I found myself in and no matter what I did things just would not improve.
Later as I sat trying to connect to my phone’s hotspot I groaned inwardly. “Slow as mud sliding uphill in January.” I thought drinking my coffee as even the computer laying on my lap seemed to feel the strain.
Finally, the notification popped up telling me the connection was complete, so I began the slow task of downloading email and wondered how on earth I’d possibly accomplish all the things the job of promoting all my clients required of me like this.
Later in the morning as I walked barefoot in the rain through the yard even the feel of the newly cut grass gave me no pleasure. It was just another reminder of the struggle in my life. “$320. Where the hell am I supposed to get it?”
Someone had said they’d help me with the cost of keeping the yard done but then click, just like that there had been no more mention of it and me stupid like had believed them so had not paid for this last month’s mowing and that along with the payment I’d gotten permission to defer on until winter now had me two-months behind.
As I stood from drying Campbell’s fur and he went crashing through the little house in search of a drink and his favorite chew toy the tears began to fall. Try as I might I simply couldn’t hold them back anymore.
Walking into the bathroom I softly shut the door. I didn’t want Campbell to see me cry it did upset him so these days. When he’d been younger my emotions didn’t seem to bother him much. He’d nuzzle me give me kisses and urge me to play by bringing me some toy but of late he’d taken to coming and putting his big sweet head in my lap making the most pitiful whimpering noise I ever heard when he saw me cry and I just didn’t want to spoil his happy mood.
I could hear him thundering round in his room playing with his squeaky ball. Even through my tears I had to smile. He was the only dog I knew who could amuse himself for hours with a ball.
While I sat on the floor of the bathroom crying into a towel over all my most recent failures he was in there bouncing and squeaking that ball for all he was worth totally unconcerned for anything other than the joy of being alive.
“Gods. What would it feel like to be glad to be alive?” I wondered. It had been so long since I could remember waking to a day I just knew had to be filled with promise and purpose.
There had been such a time. When I’d been working full time as volunteer coordinator for Contact Concern every-day had held some promise and purpose. No matter how bad things were at home I knew there were people depending upon me to help them make their worlds better. But now, I was just like those I used to serve. Now, I had nothing to offer no one and in fact if it weren’t for the kindness of strangers and a few friends I wouldn’t even be able to remain here in this house.
I didn’t carry all my bills on my own and I knew it. Hell, I did well to feed us. Truth was I took donated food for Campbell and that bothered me most of all.
“Can’t even support this dog. What good are you anyhow? Looks like Donnie was right. You turned out to be one big disappointment for everyone around you after all.”
Those and many other similar thoughts continued to roll round in my head and as the rain picked up outside so did my tears fall.
I cried for all those friends and loved ones lost to me due to my sickness seeping into their lives and their inability to forgive me of it. I cried for all the unrealized dreams and I cried for all the love I would never know because it was impossible for someone broken like me to find so I’d stopped hunting it long ago.
Finally, getting myself together I stood, washed my face brushed my hair and came out to face the day.
Then, there was Campbell making his sweet GRR noises looking up at me with a toy in his mouth and for a moment it was enough to push the thoughts that nagged at me more and more back to that dark nasty place in my mind where they lived. Oh, they’d be back I was sure. Probably about 2 in the morning when all was still and silent but for now they were tolerable, and the day would go on.
As I wrestled the big galoot of a dog I wondered where this would all end. Would things just continue like this forever? Would I always just exist and nothing more? Was there no other purpose in this life for me now other than caring for this beast who had not asked to be brought into this life of working for me? Could that be enough? Could I get a handle on the despondency I felt and go onward?
I had no answers for any of those questions but as Campbell leapt at me again barking and wagging asking “Hey! Mom don’t quit yet. Let’s play?” I knew for now it would simply have to be enough and so I prayed…
“Thank you for the morning sun.
Thank you when day is done, our needs, wants, and desires they are met.
Thank you for what we have and have not yet.
Thank you when this day is through we will still be we and you will still be you.
Light our path and guide our way.
Give us what to do and say.
So mote it be. Blessid be, amen.
GrannyMoon Says Today is: Sun Day – Energy: Male Ruler: The Sun – Rules
health, prosperity, leadership, joy, and protection – Use for magick
involving happiness, prosperity, joy, healing, protection, power,
leadership, ego, authority figures, fathers, husbands
Today’s Goddesses: Sunne, Frau Sonne, Aditi, Igaehindvo, Amaterasu, Arinna,
Today’s Magickal Influences: Health, Healing, Confidence And Hope, Prosperity
Incense: Mastic, Palaginia
Perfumes: Heliotrope, Orange Blossom, Cloves, Frankincense, Ambergris, Musk,
Color of The Day: Orange, Gold
Colors for Tomorrow: Silver, Gray, White
Lucky Sign: Sunday Is The Lucky Day For Leo