Nocturnal Journal Part 4: Still I Am Haunted
Patty L. Fletcher
June 19, 2018
I don’t know if it was digging around in personal items and running across things from my past, seeing things that once belonged to my EX or just the fact that my mind is screwed up as a whole, but this late-night early-morning I am awake and plagued with haunting memories.
I fell asleep around 10 PM with the hopes that the day’s exertions would allow me to sleep through the night.
Of late I’ve not been sleeping well and figured tiring myself out would be just the ticket that would lead to a great night’s sleep.
I was tired beyond belief when I lay down and I just knew I would sleep.
That was not to be at all.
First there was the trap of the dream. I knew I was dreaming. I even tried to think about something else while in the dream so as to change its subject matter.
No good. I only served to confuse things and add characters to the mix that were never a part of that which I dreamed.
Donnie my EX was here, and he was as usual belittling me. He was sitting in my recliner making fun of me for the mess I’d made of my life.
He laughed uproariously about how he’d been right about how I’d never amount to anything. He gloated with satisfaction at the realization that my old trainer and I had parted ways on bad terms, and he loved that his treatment of me had helped that along.
His words of, “Told you I’d make you into such a fuck up that everyone would know the monster you’d become…” ate at me in ways I had no words to convey the shame I felt. I woke in a cold sweat, but relieved the dream was over.
I soon learned the waking world was not much better. After tossing and turning in bed for a while wrestling with memory after memory I got up, put on a pot of coffee, and set about reading email and Facebook posts.
Still my mind cannot rest. Memories of days gone by jump out at me and over and over I hear myself asking, “God did I really think that was OK? How could I have allowed that? Why was I so stupid?”
I remember things like his making me walk from his apartment building to mine 4 or 5 buildings apart at 2 in the morning. I remember how he laughed at me when I told him how scared it made me to do that. He used to say, “WOW! You think so much of yourself? Do you really think anyone would waste their time attacking someone like you?”
I remember how when I fell and broke my hand one afternoon while walking from my apartment to his how angry he got that he had to take me to the emergency room, and that he left me there while he went with a friend to eat dinner. I’m haunted by the thoughts of what we found when cleaning out the house after he was finally taken into custody to serve time for his crimes. (Yes. All wondering he was guilty of what he went to jail for and more.)
I’m sickened by the fact that I may have in some way unknowingly though it had enabled him, and I am sitting here once again hating myself for ever having loved someone such as he.
I’ve come to realize that the mind is one huge trap and that no matter how securely you shut things away sometimes there’s just no keeping them down and no matter how much therapy you have or how hard you try sometimes there’s just no getting away from yourself.
I try to tell myself that had I not gone through the things I did and walked the pathways I’ve walked that I would not have Campbell.
I tell myself that had I not done the things I’ve done, bad though some things were I’d not recognize the things about my mental illness that I do, and I try to convince myself that had all these things that I am remembering now not taken place I would have never grown as I have and would have never come nearly as far.
Still I am haunted.
I find myself feeling that same old self-loathing. That same old guilt and coming to the same realizations that no matter how hard I work I cannot fix anything from the past and cannot walk toward any good end from a lot of it.
The loss that has come about in my life due to the bad choices I’ve made is so horrible at times it threatens to swallow me whole.
If you’re reading this now and you are in a situation you know is not right I beg you, walk away.
If someone is abusing you no matter what they say, pack up and leave. If red flag after red flag pops up on your radar don’t justify it, follow your instincts and know that the voice inside is telling you truth.
If I’d listened to that little voice whispering to me while in training with Campbell I’d have never come back here, and I’ve often wondered if some of the horrors caused by what I did because of all the horrific things I allowed after would have happened.
There’s no way to know, and many will say that everything happens for a reason.
Still I am haunted.