In Memory

In Memory
By
Patty L. Fletcher
May 28, 2018

On this warm late spring afternoon as I sit in my house, now shut off from the world around me by closed windows and air conditioning due to the rapidly warming day I am taken back to what I thought were happier times.
But.
Were they?
When I think of family gatherings cook-outs, and other such things I’m reminded of the laughter and happy conversation shared by all those around me.
Was I really a part of that?
The answer that comes to me again and again is no, not really.
Not then and not now.
It seems to me that I was even lonelier during those gatherings than I feel today.
In this analytic time of my life during which I spend much time alone and so have time to think I realize that I never fit into those times.
I was always in some way or another different, usually a bother to those around me.
First it was because I could not get from place to place in the places we held our gatherings without some sort of help.
Then, when I got my Campbell thinking that would lessen I found that while my boy helped a tremendous lot that secretly most everyone wished he would have just remained home.
As time has gone by I realize more and more that not only is my family most likely much happier and more relaxed without me and my boy among them that I too am for the most part better off.
In fact, the fact that Campbell and I spend most of our time on our own is most likely easier on everyone.
I need not bother someone to pick us up or bring us back home when things are done. I need not worry whether I’ll embarrass someone with the sound of my laughter, which many have commented on over the years. I need not worry that something I say will seem strange or off putting as has been relayed to me to be the case by my father on more than one occasion.
I can just be here with my boy and have a day of celebration in our own home where anything we wish to do say or laugh at is alright.
Do I miss my family? Well, sometimes. I miss my grands the most.
It’s just that as I look back on all the times gone by and think realistically about them I know how they really were.
I think the memory that stands out for me most of all is the one that took place during my trip with my family to Mississippi to bury my mom.
The funeral was over, and we were all gathered back at my uncle’s house.
Everyone had eaten, and all were scattered throughout the house or outside.
I found myself sitting alone in the kitchen where we’d gathered to eat. I knew nothing much about the house and was unsure where to go or what to do. I felt the most alone I’d ever felt in my life and I wished for someone to be with.
I missed my mother then so very much, and as I sit here this day I wish I could talk with her. I think she might understand how I feel.
She too at times was an outsider in our family and as I grow older and think about her more and more and especially since having gone through my sickness last year I have a deeper respect and love for her than ever before in my life.
I will close now. I know this day is supposed to be for honoring fallen war heroes.
But.
My mother was my hero.
She fought many wars in her life much of what she went through she did for me.
So, it is mom that I think of this day and I hope where ever she is she cannot know how our family has fallen apart.
I love you mom and I am sorry for my part in the destruction of our family.
I thank all of you for reading wish you a good day and blessid may all of you and yours be.

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