Night Musings Random and Raw

Hi again, we’re back. Well, that is I’m back. Campbell’s been alternating between lazing in his dog bed, and coming to get scratches and love when I am gone too long in the other room. I never believed any dog and I could’ve ever developed such a bond as we have. The neither of us can stand to be away from each other for any length of time much at all, not even when we’re in the same house. I find that when I wake, whether we’ve slept as little as 20 minutes, or 2 hours makes no difference, first thing I want is to pet him, and first he wants is to sniff and lick me. Just depends on who wakes who.

I have mixed emotions about this bond. As far as what it means to Campbell and me, for our loving friendship and working relationship goes, it is the most awesome thing a dog and human could ever have, and while I’m sure everyone who ever had such a kind of dog as this, has similar feelings for their own, or I should certainly hope so.

However, as a human I have these feelings, and thoughts. I feel sad that I have never in my life, not as a child or adult bonded with anyone in this way. Please do not get me wrong. When I became pregnant with my daughter, from the very moment I felt my body conceive, yes, I wrote that, I felt my body conceive, and not a week after was absolutely without doubt certain she was a girl, and almost certain on what day and hour she would be born. I spent every day during my pregnancy talking to her, singing to her, and telling her stories, written and made up in my head, and from every source I could find. I spent the first 5 years as a stay at home mother, and it was not until I began to work again leaving her in the care of my mother, school, or after school care that our bond changed, and that is a story for another day. I to this very moment in time grieve the void that is caused within me by my daughter’s being missed from my life, and there are times when I am in a place where she is, or has recently been, and even if I have no physical sign of her I know her presents, but not even that can compare to what I have with Campbell. I believe if Polly were reading this she would understand. She spent time with me as a new owner/handler. She watched the struggles challenges, and triumphs Campbell and I went through during our first summer and fall, and she was along with her family very helpful in the strengthening of our bond. I am hopeful of one day restoring, and growing our Mother Daughter bond, for now it is an empty place.

Then there is the subject of a partner in love, physical emotional, loving sexual, and spiritual partnership with another. Never yet since I’ve been old enough to know and truly appreciate the finding and relating with such has never ended in what I’d call success. I’ve had partially good experiences, and extremely bad. I long for such a magnificent bond with a man someday but even with that, it has come to me even as I write that no such bond as what I have with Campbell at this moment is at all possible with any other.

This amazes me in ways I cannot comprehend, or describe.

It is the 3RD day of this new year of 2017. I am as do we all, sitting thinking about the year that has just passed, and all I did and did not do. What I tossed out and what I brought with me into this new year. Thinking about books I’ve read, and begun to write. Books I’ve reviewed, my own and other’s. I think about songs written, and sung. Mine and another. I think of those who have come into and left my life, just in this previous year, and who has remained, or gone and is never to return. Can I say for certain there are those gone who will never return? No. Not even those who have been taken in death are gone forever. I see them in others within my own family, or friends, or in a food or song. I know them as characters in books, movies, and plays, and within the spirits that walk through when the vale is thin.

Nothing is forever, yet it is. The wheel weaves, as the wheel will. Magik is imagination made real by the force of will. So doesn’t that make anything created by man or supernatural magik? Are we not all so? To me it does. That is, as with everything here, my opinion, and you need not agree if you wish not. I will accept your belief if you accept mine. We will find common ground, and agree to disagree n the rest, or we shan’t even be acquaintances. Sounds harsh, but I no longer need to be right.

This brings me to a couple other subjects. I am as you know from my ‘Positive Perspective’ series working on creating or I should say recreating myself. I at first thought maybe I’d love nothing more than to simply get rid of all the horrors of myself, then I realized that while some really bad habits, and behaviors need to go, that for the most part, even the very worst of me is necessary fore without it I’ll not at all know who and what I absolutely do not want to be, and I can strive freely for the best I can be.

Sounds real simple, and makes you shake your head and say, “WOW! Knew you were slow, but can anyone say giant slow slow and did I mention slow turtle? Almost makes me want to laugh cry and scream all at the same time, yet it has for me been the most complicated thing I ever learned. I’m excited to have the challenge, because it even makes my oldest unsolved problems seem new and helps to put them in a different light. So is it possible that coming to these new realizations will help to make my tomorrow a brighter place in which to live, and will help me be in a whole new way? Sure hope so, cause I’m giving it allot of time, effort and energy.

I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I can look behind me and see the wreckage of my life. I am working each day hard as I can to learn more about remaining in the NOW. Not worrying so about days gone by, trying to plan for but not worry about the future, and learn a little as I go. Simplest yet most hardest ever before done in this way by me.

I am grateful for those reading, and hope you’ll forgive these random writings. Sometimes I simply have to let out my thoughts, like doodling drawings on a sketchpad or the jamming sessions of a band hot with a new tune.

I feel as if a weight has been removed, and I’m glad for this quiet night within which to enjoy.

I ask you forgive my writing mistakes, spelling and grammar. I did after all say this was random and raw.

Thanks for stopping by here in CAMPBELLSWORLD and come again.

For now this is Patty and the snoring and snoozing King Campbell Lee AKA Bubba saying…

May harmony find you, and blessid be.

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This entry was posted in Acceptance, Determination, Druid, Magic, meditation, Musings, Observations, Pagan, Perspectives, Possibilities, Potential, Prayerful. Bookmark the permalink.

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