The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth: and the New Year

Good morning. I have come here today to tell you a story. A story that will once and for all tell the truth of why things are as they are for me today. A story that will once and for all set the record straight, and that will reveal things I have lied about, sugar coated, and tried to paint into some kind of acceptable pretty picture that everyone could somehow live with. I have decided that I have nothing else to lose. The life I once had, and enjoyed is gone. There truly is no way to go back, and I feel that if I am ever to even have the slightest chance at any kind of happiness in the future, I must once and for all lie the ghosts of the past to rest once and for all.

Will it work? I don’t know. I have real problems with things that don’t seem to end. I have true issues with things I cannot seem to get closure on, and I have bad trouble with guilt.

Why have I chosen to give my confession now? Because we are coming to the end of yet another year. Because I’ve been walking round inside my head, lost in a circle of fiery hurt for so long that if I don’t open the vents and let out the heat the flames will once and forever consume me. Because it is Christmas, the season of miracles, and I have to trust that there truly is a higher power, and that this higher power really does at times step in and help, and because I figure I have nothing else what so ever to lose. I already have people quite literally all across the US upset with me, so I figure I cannot possibly make it worse.

It is my deepest wish that this post end up in the hands of those who need to see it. I must trust my higher power to see to that. I no longer have a way to make that so. I only have my words. I want to paint a clear and true picture, and have it seen by all. What is done with it, is not for me to decide. I can only tell you that it is the entire truth as I remember it.

I ask you to read with an open mind. I ask you to try, and put yourself in my place as you read, and that when you are done, you speak to your higher power about it and then decide how you feel about what you read.

If you want to let me know your thoughts, you’re welcome to do so. I’d be ever grateful, but if you still have nothing to say, can you simply find a way that is appropriate for you, and at the very least acknowledge that you have read. That would be enough. You see, people like me have this need to be told by someone that we’re alright, because so many have told us we’re not.

Now, I begin, and I give my word, that what I am about to write is the absolute 100 % truth. It will be a bit graphhic. it will contain some strong language. It deals with domestic violence, and it is a sort of confession. I do not want pity. Don’t want absolution. What I want is a new beginning. I want to start the new year with a clean plate, so that in the days, weeks, months, and years to come I can finally work toward finding some real and everlasting happyness.

It is the very best I can do, and I hope that once you’ve read it you will come away with a better understanding of me.

I thankk you for reading, and i hope that if you’re so moved you will share. There are others in the world who have had similar experience, and at the very least, maybe this story will help someone else break from some horrifying trap they’ve allowed themselves to become stuck in.

I pray that the powers of communication will be with me now, and guide my ability. I pray for the ability to tell this in such a way that you’re able to walk into this with me, see it as it happened, and believe. I pray that it will do what it is intended, and I pray that once and for all I can put out the firery pain that has nearly consumed me time after time.

I thank you for reading, and blessid be.
The date was: January 23 2012. Donnie and I had just finished supper. It was nearly 8 in the evening, and I was standing in Donnie’s kitchen washing dishes when my cell phone rang. Donnie was in the living room talking with a couple of his friends, so I felt it would be OK to answer and talk to whomever was calling.

“Hello?” I asked quietly into the phone. “Hi! Redneck!” A familiar voice said on the other end of the line. I smiled in spite of the apprehension that was swelling inside me. Donnie did not know that Drew and I talked from time to time. He hated Drew, and became very violent when I even spoke of him. It had been that way since that long ago October night in 2011 when he and I had eaten Dinner with him in our home, while Drew was here assisting me with a route I needed to learn for work. “Well, hi there Yankee. What can I do for you?” “I got your email. I wanted to call and see if you were OK. Don’t like some of what I read there Young Lady, what’s going on with you?”

I’d written him a couple days ago, and told him I was having trouble with my bipolar, that I needed to go into the hospital and try to get it straight, and that I was concerned about what to do with Campbell while I was gone. I had explained, that Donnie was not home during the day, and that I was concerned with Campbell’s being left alone for 8 or more hours at a time with no supervision or handling. That, however had not been the truth. As I stood there, my hands in the dish water, and the phone crooked into my shoulder and pressed firmly against my ear, I wanted so very badly to tell him, that it was really that I knew that any time Donnie would be arrested for his crimes, and that if that happened while I was gone, I was uncertain what would happen to Campbell, but I knew I could not. First of all Donnie was just in the other room, and secondly, I was terrified for Drew to know the truth. In the end, the next words I spoke, would be my undoing. So instead, I fed him some bull shit about my insurance not having paid for meds, and told him I’d been off them too long. I sugar coated every answer to every question he asked, and went deeper and deeper into the lying process as I went along. He seemed to be believing me, and we began to talk about what arrangements if any could be made for Campbell.

As I talked, Donnie walked into the room, and stood with his hand on my arm. The water in the sink had grown cold and greasy, and felt much as I did at the moment. I’d just been about to ask Drew if I could call him the next day. I’d just almost decided I wanted to come clean with everything. I wanted to tell him that, no it wasn’t that the insurance would not pay for the medications, but that Donnie did not want me taking them because they made me sleepy in the evenings, and took me away from him before he was done with me. I wanted to tell him all about Donnie’s charges, and of his abuse. I wanted to ask him to help me leave him, but I did none of those things. As Donnie stood there his hand on my arm, daring me to say anything other than the story he’d helped me create when I’d finally told him I had to get back on the meds, I continued with my tale.

Drew assured me that Campbell would not forget his training while he was boarded. Told me that even though it had only been 9 months or so that Campbell and I had been together that he was more than certain that our bond would not be adversely effected, and that should we have any trouble when I returned home, he’d make certain someone came to visit us and fix whatever was wrong.

When I hung up Donnie just stood there. The house was dead quiet. Rocky and Cassie Dogs were in the garage. His friends had left, and Campbell was safely upstairs in my apartment in his crate. Donnie knew he had me, and that I was completely in his control. He turned me from the sink. Took the phone from my hand, and lay it out of reach. “What did you think you were going to do? Did you think your lover boy was gonna come back like some kind of prince charming and save you?” With that, he slapped me hard across the face, and my nose began to bleed. I put my hands in front of me to try and ward him off, but he shoved them aside as if they were match sticks, and pushed me into the counter. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. My head fell back, and hit the open cabinet behind me. I cried out involuntarily, and he laughed. “You are such a baby. Such a stupid bitch. You think anyone gives a shit about you? You think anyone’s gonna love you once I’m gone? You’re fat, stupid, ugly, and so mentally fucked up no one’s ever gonna want you for anything but to play with, just like me. You’re just a toy that I take out and look at when I got nothing better to do.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he leaned into me and begin to kiss me forcefully. “Donnie, I have to finish cleaning up the kitchen. It’s late, and I have to work tomorrow.” He laughed, and shoved me toward the door. “You’ll finish when I say you can, right now I want you to suck my dick.” I tried to pull free, but he held me tight, and slapped me on the bottom as he turned me toward the living room. “You want me to whip you so you have to work from home tomorrow? Get your ass into that living room, and get on your knees!” He spanked me all the way to the couch, and forced me down to the floor. Pressing my face to the carpet as he did so. Then he took off his pants and underwear, and grabbed me by the hair. He pulled me up and forced himself into my mouth. “Suck it bitch!” He ordered. I was suddenly filled with rage. “What’s wrong, couldn’t you get one of your boys to do it?” I asked with my teeth biting into his flesh. He slapped me and my head rocked back onto my shoulders, and he again forced himself into my mouth. “Do it or you’ll stand to work your shift tomorrow.” Finally, resigning myself to the fate I’d chosen, I gave in.

When it was over, the kitchen cleaned, and I was ready to go,he handed me a packet of weed, and said, “There’s a good girl’s treat. Go smoke, and go to sleep. You’ll feel all better in the morning, and I might not have to punish you anymore. Don’t you get any ideas about calling Drew tomorrow from work either. He better not ever come back here. I promise you, if you keep it up, I’ll fuck you up so bad that guy will hate you. Someday i’m gonna see to it he knows just how sick and crazy you really are. You’ve hidden yourself from him quite long enough. If he knew who and what you were he’d never so much as look in your direction again. I don’t know what you thought you were doing trying to be friends with someone like that. He’s way above anything you’ll ever be.” He shoved me out the door, into the cold night, and I heard him lock it and put the bar in place. Dropping my head in shame I walked upstairs, got Campbell out of his crate, played with, and walked him a few minutes, and got ready for bed.

As I sat in a tub filled of scolding hot water in a smoky steam filled bathroom later that night listening to Donnie talking to someone downstairs, hearing their laughter, and the rise and fall of their voices, I knew he was right. I knew that he would go to jail, yes, but i also knew he’d already begun the process of controlling the rest of my life.

___

That ladies and gentlemen was the beginning of the end for me. After that I don’t really understand what happened to me. I began to behave in weird and strange ways. My mind at times became a confused fog of thought. I began to have feelings about Drew that were different and strange from what I had before, and at times I found myself doing and saying things I’d never done before, and somehow I could not seem to stop. Finally sometime later, I decided to get brave, and write him and simply come clean with it all, but later on the day I sent that email I checked my messages, and found a reply that simply said, “You’re wasting your time, I don’t read these anymore.” I knew he’d not read it. I knew my behavior whatever the reason and whatever I may or may not have done, he was done.

After that I became trapped in a loop, that at times I still find myself stuck in today. Everything I’ve done to try and fix the issues has only made things worse, and now there are many who think badly of me, all the work I wanted to do when I wrote my book has been destroyed, and the damage to what was once a very healthy and beautiful teacher student friendship has been dome, and is as I see it unrepairable. I do not know if I’ll ever even see him again. Don’t know if he will ever know the horrors I have been through, and doubt that he’d care should he learn of it all.

I cannot blame him. I have been, and am still at times very sick. I am only a shell of what I used to be, and am about to lose my home, and all I ever dreamed because of it all.

I know that I am broken in a way that is not fixable, and that I stand no chance to ever have anyone to love me again, and in fact have given up on trying.

I only write this now because it eats at me. The guilt of who and what I am is never far from reach, and nothing I do seems to fix me in any way.

I want to put the entire deal behind me. I want to pay off the editor of my first book. I want to write more books. I want to try and make a new life for myself and Campbell, and I don’t know if I can.

I don’t know if I’ll be allowed back to have another magnificent Seeing Eye Dog after Campbell is gone, and I have decided that if that is so, I do not blame them. After all, my problems go far beyond the scope of what they do there. I cannot and do not blame them for how they feel. They cannot possibly understand what I went through, and they cannot allow what I did to ever happen again.

I only want to live my life with a bit of peace of mind, and to do no more harm.

I do not know if I will be successful, but I’m going to try. Yesterday I found and reblogged a really funny story I’d written sometime in 2015 called “Leg Loose In the lounge” It was a hysterically funny story, and is the kind of thing I want people to remember about me. So it is my goal to try and bring some of that old silly sarcastic story telling back, in the hopes that it will help to sooth my burning mind, and help others, while being entertaining and fun.

I wish to leave the darkness behind me and I hope for a reasonably happy existence.

For now, this ends my story. YOu are quite free to believe it or not. Share it or not. It is here, and it is real.

Until next time this is Patty and King Campbell AKA Bubba saying May harmony find you, and blessid be.

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This entry was posted in Acceptance, Apology, Autumn, Beliefs, Bipolar, rapid cycling, Campbell's Rambles: How a Seeing Eye Dog Retrieved My Life, Christmas, Cleansing, Concerns, Mobility, O&M, Instruction, Supportive Services, Fears, Needs, Disorientation, Confusion, Overwhelmed, Over Loaded, Adjustment,Arrangements, Hope, Determination, Effort, False face, Fate, darkness emptiness, forgiveness, Freedom, Friends, Healing depression forgive Ness, Hurt Feelings, Information, Learning, Love, Magic, spirit, Memories, Life, Death Time, Past, Present, Future, Mental illness and monsters, Mental illness racing thoughts syndrome routine training instructor, Multiple disabilities and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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