Each day I wake up, I tell myself it’s a new day. A new beginning, and that the things of yesterday are no more, that they cannot hurt me, and that I will do better. Trouble with that is, lots of nights, I cry myself to sleep because I am more than sure I have once again fallen short of my goals. I find myself repeating mistake after mistake, and it seems no matter what method I use to stop the monster within it only grows more fierce and terrible with each passing day.
I go to doctors. I talk with therapists. Take medications, and attend peer support groups, and although I sometimes make a bit of progress, it seems that just when I think I’ll finally cage the beast for good, something comes along unlocks the cage door, and before I know it the monster is loose and leaving hurt and anger in its horrifying wake.
I do not know what the answer is. I have read books like, His Bright Life: a Nick Traina Story by Danielle Steal. Studied websites a plenty, and even tried some radical treatments, but still it remains.
I am not writing this to receive pity. I’m just trying to let people know where I am. Who I am, as well as where and who I’d like to be.
I cannot tell you how horrible it is to read messages from people that say, “Your problems go beyond the scope of what we do here.” Or to know that you’re found to be undesirable by many. I cannot describe the hurt I feel when I join a group only to realize that once again, even though the group might be for mentally ill persons, or blind persons that I just really do not fit after all. I don’t have words to say how I feel when I look behind me and see the wreckage of my life, and realize that all the work I wanted to do when I wrote my book Campbell’s Rambles: How a Seeing Eye Dog Retrieved My life has pretty much been destroyed at my own hands.
I feel lost, disconnected, and as if I will never find arms to hold and love me. I fear that I will grow old alone, and hated, and I simply do not know if I can do it or not.
I have managed just in the last 5 years to alienate friends, family members, as well as having to leave a job I loved and had fought to get, and keep. There are days when I feel I won’t be able to put one more foot in front of the other, or breathe one more breath. Yet still for whatever reason I press ever onward.
Am I stupid? Am I stubborn? Am I brave, and strong, as some think? I think of myself as someone who is a little of all these things. If I had to pick, at least on this day, stupid would win.
It’s not always like that. There are some days when I wake up and feel great. I sit on the side of the bed, scratching my big Bubba’s back as he wakes beside me and think, “Today’s gonna be the day I finally lick this monster for good. I finally got the son of a bitch in a cage he won’t never get out of!” Then, somewhere along my way I encounter something or someone that knocks my feet out from under me, and find myself either in a deep depression, or a very frenzy once again, and by the end of the day I know the monster has me again.
When I reach out to the mental health community I find very little help. I am dismayed time and time again when I hear on the news, or read an article and learn that another hospital, or clinic has been shut down. Why? Does our country feel that its mentally ill citizens aren’t important? Why when a new hospital is built in a town does it not include a first rate mental health wing? I do not have answers for these questions. In fact I have no answers for any questions, and on and on it goes. Yet still I try. Why? Well, I really do not know. Other than the fact that there is still a part of me that holds a burning desire to survive and succeed, I just don’t know.
I hope if there are others of you out there reading this, who feel their lives have no value as I do some days you’ll keep that portion of you that holds the burning desire for survival, well, hot and alive.
I thank you for reading. Hope you’ll let me know you did. Ask you if you felt it was worth reading to share, and wish you a happy day.
Until next time this is Patty and the ever loyal loving and life saving king Campbell AKA Bubba The Seeing Eye Dog saying…
Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Blessid Be.
“The world is not perfect, so I need not be perfect.”
“Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, and tomorrow is another day”