Good morning again everyone! Thanks for stopping by. This morning I want to take a moment to talk about an illness that is in my opinion over diagnosed, and not very well understood. First off Bipolar Disorder is an illness which causes chemical imbalances within the brain. There’s allot of details I could write about that, but I’d rather talk about the affect of the illness rather than the cause. There are plenty of resources for you to learn all about the reasons for the disease. In my opinion it is a physical illness that causes a mental disorder, it causes the brain to not function correctly. I had someone write me once after I’d told them I was feeling depressed and say, “What’s wrong with you? It’s a beautiful day?” Thing is, it was a beautiful day. The sky was clear, sun was shining, temps were warm, and birds everywhere were singing. I was working at the time, and had things pretty well in hand, but to me at that moment in time it felt as if the bottom had dropped out of my world, and I couldn’t say why. It was an imbalance within my body, and a warning signal to test blood levels of meds, and to take action to make sure I stayed safe until the episode passed. My friend never understood, one thing led to another and now we don’t speak. Why? Because after that pretty day, my disorder took a very bad turn, and for a long time after I could not gain footing with it. Now, I’m still picking up the pieces from that episode, but the damage and loss has beeen so great that I’m not sure I can.
This morning I find myself feeling very sad, and this is very hard. Most people are in a celebratory mood. The last thing anyone wants to hear are folks talking about being depressed. When I talk about the lack in my life, they say… “Count your blessings” I know this is true. I have a home to live in, food to eat, friends, and some family that love me, and a beautiful awesome dog. I also feel like crap. Not because I haven’t money, or lots of pretty clothes. Not because I don’t even have my house decorated for the holidays, and that I can’t shop and bake like everyone round me seems to be doing, but because I am somehow lost in the grip of this disorder, and no matter how many funny or interesting books I read, programs I watch, or glasses of wine I drink there’s this nasty horrible feeling inside me that will not go!
I am working with doctors on meds. I see therapists, but still these problems persist. I am broken, and feel as if I will never be made whole.
Most times I just brush it off and say… “It’ll pass. We’ll find meds that work, we’ll build me back up and I’ll go on.” But this time it just all seems like more than I can stand, and because of all that I am I continue to lose people. People that cannot be replaced.
Oh! I can make new friends, but what I have lost can never be replaced in another. In just a few minutes, I’ll be getting ready to go out. I’ll put on a coat, and hat because it is raining. I will also put on a smile. I will chat with bus passengers, store staff, and friends along my way, but inside there will be the real me and that me will be saying… “can no one just love me like I am? Can I not cry my tears, and can it not just be OK to be like I am for a minute?” But I know that answer. If I let people see the reality of who I am and they realize how bad it could get they will go away. So many already have, and the realization of what I am, and what I’ll never be again, and the fact that there are people out there who hate me because of it eats at me daily.
Those who support me say… “Those people don’t hate you, they just don’t understand.” I say… “No! It is you who do not understand. I know what I see what I feel and what is. When people stop having anything to do with you. Won’t speak to you when you’re in the same room with them, and when you write and put your whole heart out and tell all of what happened to make you so, and you get nothing back but a very loud silence, that my friends is dislike, and yes, hate.”
I know I have to learn to live with that loss. I know I have to rise above, and try to make a new life for myself, and I am trying. I am going to leave my home, going to move to a new place, where I can have a bit more money to get out and about, but I ask myself… “How long will it be before whatever new people I meet find out how I really am, and they too go away?”
I had someone tell me once, “I cannot be round you until you’re healthy.” I said, “This illness doesn’t go away.” They said, “You’re just not trying to get well. You just don’t believe. If you’re faithful God will make you better.” So, you wouldn’t say that to a heart patient, but somehow I’m not faithful enough for God to heal me?
On and on it goes. I don’t even really know why I am writing this other than I need desperately for people to understand. I cannot tell you what a gift it would be to hear the voice of that won I’ve lost. I cannot tell you how awesome it would be to be able to meet the family I no longer see for lunch, and I got to tell all yall if you have your family and your very most cherished friends, you’d best never take them for granted. One day they might go away and the reason might just be one you cannot do a darn thing about.
I am going to feel better soon, and I know I will. I will not allow this illness to take me as it has so many. I will not give in and I will not give up. I hope some day to gain the forgiveness from those I have allowed my illness to touch in a bad way, but until then I’ll keep loving them, and they will remain in my heart.
For now, this is Patty and the ever loving and accepting King Campbell AKA Bubba saying…
Love always, laugh often, live and let live, and blessid be.