Good morning campbellsworld Visitors! Campbell and I hope this post finds you happy healthy, and well. I can certainly tell you that this morning other than being a bit draggy from staying up a bit too late, I feel great! Better than I have in quite some time. Why? Well, that is what I’ve come here to talk to you about today.
You see, over the last year and a half or so, I have not only been struggling financially, I have also been struggling with the fact that my disabilities both mental and physical have been steadily getting worse, and over the last few months several things have come to a head for me, and I have come to the realization that I simply can no longer remain in my home. What was the last straw for me? I will tell you. First I want to say that the next things I am going to write of are a bit graphic, and they mention things like ***Domestic Abuse, Flash backs, and Suicidal Tendencies*** If those things bother you, or trigger you in any way you will want to avoid this post. If however you are in a place where you feel safe, and you realize that these things aren’t happening, but are simply memories come back to haunt me, and you’d like to come to understand more about me, and how I work, and mental illness in general, continue.
At the end of last week I was witness to an angry argument between persons I care very much about, and although I at no time felt unsafe being witness to such, over the past weekend I myself had quite an episode. As you know if you are a regular reader of my work, or if you have read my book Campbell’s Rambles: How a Seeing Eye Dog Retrieved My Life you know that my now EX abused me quite badly during the last year or so of our time together, and you know that the majority of it happened in the very home in which I live. Although over the years I have done much to remove his presence from my home, and although I know that he is in prison for unrelated crimes, and cannot get to me I have come to realize that I can simply no longer live in my home, and feel safe and secure. This realization along with the financial constraints placed upon me from not having enough income to live self sufficiently has finally become more than I can handle. What was the final trigger? On
On Saturday night as I was getting ready for bed, I made my way into the kitchen for something to drink, and a snack. As I reached into the frig, retrieved my drink and snack, and turned around, I was suddenly gripped with a very vivid and violent flash back. For a few horrifying moments it was to me as if I were literally living one of the very worst and most violent abusive moments of mine and Donnie’s time together. I found myself in October 11 2011 and it was as if I were being beaten and choked once again. I could feel Donnie’s hands on me, hear his loud accusatory voice, and worse, I could feel that old familiar fear that I might die at that very moment, and that no one could save me. Then, it was over, and I found myself sitting curled into the fetal position in the back bed room of my house, and nearly an hour had passed. Campbell was lying with his body curled around me, his head in my lap, and with his mouth gently around my arm. He was doing all he knew to do to help me feel safe, and protected. I had no memory of going into that room, or anything I might have done up to that point, and at that moment in time I realized that I could no longer remain here.
I remained awake for much of the night going over and over my options. I knew I could, go to the CSU (Crisis Stabilization Unit) I could call my doctor, and get a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication, or I could once and for all pack my dog, and myself up and leave here forever. After many tears, and much prayer and thought, I came to the realization that to remain here even one more month longer could be my very undoing. I knew that the next time something like what I have just described happened I might simply go into a catatonic state, and never return. I saw how very worried for me my pup was, and how upset this had made him, and I knew that I simply must go.
I called upon my friends and family who would pray with me for guidance, and for a new place for me to be, and I sat about making plans to make that so.
On Monday November 14 the day of one of the most powerful super full moons in quite some time, I did several things to see that this was set into motion and that no matter what could not be reversed. I said many prayers, made a phone call to one of our local apartment complexes that houses disAbled and elderly people, and began the process of scheduling an appointment in the hopes that i might be able to acquire an apartment there. To my surprised delight the wonderfully polite and seemingly understanding lady on the other end of the phone told me that they did indeed have vacancies, and that she could see me the very next day so that I might apply for them, and so even though I was terrified of leaving the devil I knew for one that I did not, the process had begun.
On Tuesday morning Campbell and I made our way to our regular bus stop and to the Maple Oak Apartment Complex. As I stepped from the bus with King Campbell by my side I felt the most afraid and unsure I’d ever felt in quite some time. I did not even know for sure how to get to the bus stop to the building, but the lady I’d spoken to the day before had told me that if I would phone into the office there when I got there she would come and show us in. Soon she was there, introductions were made, and Campbell and I were on our way. Of course this was all knew to Campbell and he was more than excited. He as is his usual way, wigged and wagged all the way, smiling that labby smile as he went. Once inside and in the office I answered many questions, filled out, and signed many forms. To my dismay, during the process I realized I’d forgotten my photo Identification card, but as is my way I simply laughed and said, “Well, Campbell and I are always looking for things to do, and ways to remain active and so I will just go home, retrieve it and bring it back to you.” We chatted a few more minutes, then Campbell and I made our way back out to the bus stop, and were soon on our way back home.
Later that afternoon we made our way back to the apartments, only to get yet another wonderfully delightful surprise. When we arrived we learned that the manager of the apartments was one I’d had years ago when living in another place, and the fact that she is someone I feel quite safe and comfortable around put me totally at ease, and allowed me to realize once and for all that this was indeed the absolutely correct thing for me to be doing. Soon our paper work was complete, and I was astounded to learn that as quick and easy as that we’d been accepted as tenants, and that as soon as a few more things were obtained and a bit more paper work was complete we would be given a move in date. As we left sometime later I felt lighter than I had in months. It was as if a huge bolder of stress and insecurity had been lifted from me, and I felt like I might finally be on the real road to recovery from my past horrors once and for all.
As I sit here this morning writing this to you, I still have many worries. Some of them are…
* Will my pup and I truly fit in?
* Will I be able to gain mobility services to learn my way round a new neighborhood?
* And, will I have all the help I need to get all I own moved to my new place?
Even with all these worries running round in my head, I still feel one-hundred percent sure that this is the right thing to do, and that once it has been completed both my pup and I will be better off for having done so.
What has all this taught me? Well, I have come to realize that sometimes even though leaving a situation is scary and hard, it is absolutely necessary to gain true self healing. I have learned that even though I dislike change, and that even though I am sad to give up a home I struggled for years and years to keep the best thing I can do for myself is to once and for all close the door on this chapter of my life and move on. I also learned something else, I learned that it was not the fact that I could not speak with Drew about the things I’d done while so very ill that ruined our friendship, and gain answers to certain questions I have for him that was keeping me from being able to find closure, but in fact every day I remained in this home around the energy imprint that my EX Donnie had left on this place that was keeping me from getting well.
Do I one day hope to gain the answers to my questions? Absolutely. Do I think that I will not be able to put the past firmly behind me if I do not? No. Now, I truly believe that once this is all done and taken care of once and for all, that I will in time be able to say, “Patty, you have done all you can, and if someone refuses to meet you half way that will have to be their cross to bare, and you are free to live your life, and feel happy doing so.”
To say that I am thrilled to be in this place within my life would indeed be an understatement, and although I know that for a while I face many trials, and challenges, I know that I am on he path to knew and wondrous things in my life. It is my belief that many blocks that I have encountered of late where my writing career is concerned will lift, and that the sun of prosperity will shine on me again.
I invite, and encourage you all to continue to follow me on this journey, and it is my finest wish that something I have written here, have written before, or may write in the future will help someone else leave those dark shadows behind, and come into the light of happiness and true recovery once again.
Until next time this is Patty and King Campbell The Super Awesome Loving and Ever Faithful King Campbell Seeing Eye Dog saying, May harmony find you and Blessid Be.