As I soak in a hot tub on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, my mind drifts back in time. I am assaulted with both good and bad memories from times gone past, and I know that it is time to make it so that the bad things no longer last. I know, that it is true, that my past, can only hurt me if I allow it to. I know, that my ex Donnie, is gone from here. I know, that when he is released from prison he will not be coming back as part of my life at all! I will no longer allow him to, abuse me, either mentally, or physically. I will no longer allow the memory of him to do this either. This means, that anyone who supports him in any way must either not speak of it in anyway to, or around me, or, they too Will be forever more removed from my life. I am no longer going to allow anyone to in anyway make me feel as if I should in some way allow this man who destroyed me in so many ways back into my existence. I have the right to say no and no is what I say. Because of the things that I allowed Donald to do to me on a regular basis I now suffer from the following, anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress syndrome, short term memory loss, and at times extreme OCD destructive behavior. On top of my already diagnosed bipolar. I am now working very diligently, to overcome all that was done to me. I am also working very diligently to overcome the guilt I feel as a result of things I allowed my illness to do to others. I know longer make excuse for my behavior, I rather and trying to overcome it. I however will not be bothered by those who insist upon tell me of his communications with them, tell me of what he is doing with his life while in prison, etc. it is my believe, that behavior is as abusive to me as what Donald did to me while we were together. I no longer care to hear about him in any way shape form or fashion. His things are being removed from this house, and he will no longer have any reason to contact me what so ever. This has taken me a long time to come too. I am very proud that I have now reached this point in my life.
What do I hope to accomplish? I hope to in someway resolve the issues between my daughter and myself and at the very least be allowed to get to know my grandchildren. It is my finest wish, to one day be able to at the very least, have a conversation with Mr. Drew given resolve our issues so that we do not either of us need to feel uncomfortable should we run into one another at a dog guide convention, or some other re related function. It is my prayer, that people will see me as I am now, not as I was then. I realize that trust is earned, and I intend to do all I can to see that I am able to do that.
In the mean time, I am totally 100% happy with myself. Because I am able to realize what I need to work on. Furthermore, I am able to work on it. No one else can do this for me. I have to do it for me. No one else is to blame but me. Yes, the things my ex did to me were horrific. I, however, chose to allow those things to continue when every day I had help just a phone call away. So it is my responsibility to now clean up the mess I allowed to be made of my life. I am happy to say I am on that path. I no longer plan to allow people who are Adickes or are not in treatment for their mental illness, into my life. I, no longer plan to allow those who blame others for their problems into my life. If you are now, living away from the things that once hurt you, they can no longer do so unless you let them. I pray, you find a way, to set your self free.
Have a fabulous day, and remember, you are the only one who can make it that way.