I would like to take a few moments to try and help everyone understand why I am doing what I am doing. I hope, but this will alleviate fears, and help people to a better respect my boundaries. I know, that no one means any harm. I realize, that all is done and good intent. However, as of this time, I am truly seeking some true me time. Let me explain better as to why this is as it is.
As you all know, our family recently experienced a sudden death. My older nephew Ricky, has passed away suddenly. This, left quite a void in my heart. It left me with a lot of the issues to deal with, because I had not seen him in over a year, and there were things I wish I had said that I did not. This, brought me back to a place in my life where I began to think about bad decisions I have made over the past few years that have left me without some people in my life I care for very deeply. It caused me to wonder how I will feel, if something happens to either of the persons that I am currently not allowed to have contact with.
As all of this was taking place, I had issues going on with in my home that caused it to no longer be a place of peace, or sanctuary for me. This, in turn, caused me to not be able to grieve properly.
Now, I have reclaimed my home, my room mate and I are no longer living together, for reasons that are not relevant to this situation and that I will not be discussing in public. Or private for that matter, because they are between she and me no one else. Now, that I have reclaimed my home, I am taking a timeout. I may post on Facebook from time to time. You may see me put up a blog post or two, and from time to time I will message people. However, at this time I really don’t feel up to having lengthy conversations, visitors, in short, I need some serious space.
As some of you know, a few years back, I became unhealthily attached to my trainer from the Seeing Eye. This became a real problem for me, and for him. For the longest kind of time I really could not understand how he must have been feeling while this was going on. Now, however I am getting a pretty good idea. Why? Because even though I have asked on several occasions for people to please not contact me let me contact them there are a few, two or three to be exact, who simply cannot do this. I know, that no harm is intended. I realize that only my best interest is in their hearts. However, when someone sets forth a boundary others must truly try and respect it. I, I have answered messages when they have been sent to me. I am not purposefully ignoring anyone. I simply want some time to resolve some issues that are in my mind and in my heart and I want some time to try and put some things back together for myself that have been ripped apart emotionally for me. My request for a time out is nothing personal to anyone. I have gone above and beyond to reassure people that there is no need to worry. I have gone above and beyond to ask for this personal time I do not want this to affect friendships. I, however now completely understand why Mr. given wants no more to do with me. I absolutely need this space I am going to be a bit selfish I am going to have a bit of me syndrome and if it is not respected this could cause issues that I do not wish to take place. So I am asking very politely to please? Respect the boundaries I have set forth. To put it bluntly, don’t call me, I will call you. Over this weekend, I have several things I wish to get done. First off I hope to get Victoria’s things out of my house this weekend once and for all and be done with this. I have not totally written her off, I feel that as long as someone is living and breathing there is hope for them, and I feel that she has great potential, and that if she will use the opportunity set before her she will be able to do great things. The biggest reason she is not still here is because of what I’m talking about right now, boundaries that were set forth that we’re not respected house rules that were made that were not followed etc. no more am I going to discuss that portion of it. It is done and as it is said, a done bun cannot be undone.
There is a Tennessee Florida football game today which I plan to listen to. I plan to do some laundry, and a bit of a house cleaning and rearranging. I plan to do some writing, and some reading, and maybe even put a few book reviews up that I have neglected. In short, I plan to do things that I have not gotten to do in a while because of circumstances in my life being as they were.
Hi love all of you. You are my friends, you are important to me, and I want this to continue to be the case. So please, give me a few days. I promise you will be the first to know if I need you and unless otherwise said there is no need to worry.
I want to continue by touching on a few points here while I am writing. First off, I used to say that I had no control over my OCD thinking and behavior. Then I begin to seriously study mindfulness meditation. I began to learn that I, and I alone, have a true power over my mind, but that it takes constant work. I began to learn that habits can be broken, and that I can train my brain to think and react in new and more healthy ways. I regret, that I did not learn this long ago. I regret it because due to the fact that I appeared to not be trying with all that I had with him or me to make an effort to stop this behavior I have lost an extremely good person out of my life. I do not know if this will ever be something that can be salvaged. What I know at this time is that because I refused, and yes ladies and gentlemen that is what it was I refused, to try, to change my behavior and truly make an effort to stop it, I no longer have the privilege of gaining wisdom and information from someone who could have assisted me in many ways throughout my years after coming home with Campbell. I am a writer, my goal as a writer is to raise awareness about dog guides, disability, and so can you only imagine how having someone with in my life who could have provided me with a wonderful information would have assisted with this process? Because I allowed my illness to become out-of-control and affect others lives in a negative fashion I am the one who is the loser. Not only this, but because I refused to get a handle on my illness I no longer have my daughter or my grandchildren. Again, I don’t know if this situation can be salvaged. So it is with great hope that I write the following, I understand what it is it to dwell on situations. I understand what it is it to be a person who worries a lot, and gets things stuck in their head. I also know that behavior patterns can be changed. With hard work, good therapy, and finding things to keep one’s mind occupied, all of these things can be healed in time. I will probably never totally kick this illness. I can tell you for sure I am going to try. And so I say to all of you take a look at your lives, ask yourself what you can do to make positive and everlasting changes with the in your life that will increase your happiness. If you have fears that are brought on from things of your past only you can overcome them don’t say I can’t, in many ways that interprets to I won’t. Anyone can overcome. It is doable. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Nothing good ever is. However, if you allow your past to hold your present prisoner you will never have a wonderful future. I am living proof of this.
What can one do to help one’s self with these issues? Attend counseling services. If you are unable to work find volunteer work to do. Get yourself out and about, take up a hobby that you have always wanted to do and never had courage to try. Do something good for yourself. Make certain that you have something of your own that doesn’t require any one other person to make you happy. No one person should have that type of power over you. Please note, I am still working on perfecting all of what I write here. However, if I work hard at it I know I will be successful. When I have recovered from the past few weeks, I will be more than happy to help anyone who is willing to try to get this done for themselves. Right now, I can help no one, because I am not totally well myself. Thus The reason for my time out.
Until next time, this is Patty and king Campbell a.k.a. Bubba saying may Harmony find you, we love you, blessed may you be.