To say that I am frustrated would be an under statement! I was not able to go to Johnson elementary today to work with the children as planned. As I began to get ready this morning I noticed that I was feeling pretty badly. As I continue to try and get ready I wondered if I were truly running a fever and decided I probably needed to find out before going to be around children. Finally I dug up my talking thermometer and for a wonder, it worked. It, however did not deliver good news. It read 101.2. Although I was pretty sure it was only due to stress I decided it was not worth taking a chance of making children sick so early in the school year, so I opted to remain home. After calling the bus company to cancel my trip, and the school to let them know I would not be there this day, I settled in to get some writing work done for the day. As I began to read over the chapters I had written for my upcoming second book the Raw Truth, my computer, which has been giving me lots of trouble of late, decided it simply was not going to work right at all. After struggling with it for nearly an hour I finally gave up and complete frustration. As I put my things away, changed into more comfortable clothes, and put my hair up, I felt very frustrated and upset. It seemed it to me of Late everything I try to do is a struggle. No matter whether it be simple or complex nothing I try to do would work out.
As I stood brushing out my hair I tried to think of one thing that had gone just ride over the last month and I simply could not think of even one. I simply wanted to do something productive this day. As I sank into my favorite chair I sighed, and speaking to the air I said,”is there not one thing in my life worth doing or having? Can I not just do one thing right?” As these thoughts ran around in my head I heard a soft pitter patter off to my right. Then, there was Campbell standing beside me and licking my arm. When I turned to him his tail began to wag furiously round and round thumping The table beside him. I threw my arms around his neck and as usual his love helped me through a difficult time. The trouble is, that while his love is wonderful it’s simply cannot solve all my problems. I cannot seem to figure out how to find the money to get this computer fixed or get a new one. I cannot seem to find a job, because of course how does one look for work these days? The Internet. I can’t get onto the Internet here because my computer for whatever reason will not connect to this router. Even when I go to the library with it and connect there I run into such difficulty because of whatever is wrong with it but after about an hour of fighting with it I am too frustrated to continue. On top of this it’s time I try to speak with vocational rehabilitation services for the blind about these issues as well as many others I run into a brick wall after brick wall. Today, I am simply ready to give up! I know not what to do.
I still believe what I said earlier. I know that God and Goddess have a plan for me and that they know what is best. Right now however I can see no light at the end of this dark long tunnel that does not resemble the train. So, here I sit, trying to dictate a blog post on my phone. Trying to do some form of writing poorly though it might be. Hoping for just one book sale. One more blog follower. Something, that would give me hope. So far, there is nothing.
Dear Goddess, I pray to the. Hear me I do plea! Take this negativity and strife from me! So mote it be and Blessid be!
I ask you Goddess on this day. Give to me some kind of way, to overcome these struggles I face today.
Thank you, I do say. For I know you hear me as I pray. I claim in faith, The answers will come my way.
When I began the journey of becoming a writer I had awesome hopes and dreams. Since that time most of them have dissolved into nothing. I still try although I don’t know why. Some days like today I simply want to curl up and hide I want the whole world to disappear or I want to disappear from the whole world. Either way it goes today I feel as if all the hard work I have done to this point has been absolutely worth nothing. I know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way and I know that there are millions of people out there just like me with hopes and dreams and desires. However, on this day I simply feel alone. Like a drop of rain in a huge ocean. Tomorrow I will get up and try again. As far as today goes, I am done. It is not even noon as I finish this post, but the struggle of even this is too much.