What I think

Good morning from all here in the Campbell Kingdom! I’ve been doing some reading, and thinking, and thinking and reading. I have had a rough couple of weeks, hell! couple of years would be more like it. I have made mistakes, I have hurt people, some intentionally, and some not. Sometimes I come off as a real bitch. Sometimes I am frightened hurt and alone, and the easiest thing to do in those situations is to be a bitch, and so to protect myself that’s what I do.

I’m not saying this is correct, and I’m not saying I should get by with it. I am asking folks to please? Try and understand me a bit better. Read my book if you can. Learn about me, write me when you have finished it and tell me what you think. Review it on Amazon or Smashwords. Send a note to The Seeing Eye if you are so inclined and let them know if you think I did a good job telling of their awesome school, and the trainers and other staff who work there. Call them, let them know if writing is not your bag. Leave word for Drew, if you have questions for him.

I don’t have answers to those, and plenty of folks have asked them. I won’t speak for him. All I can say is the two of us haven’t spoken directly to one another in a long while, and when we last spoke, Drew was trying to help me. Unknown to him, he did not have all the info he needed, and my refusal of the help I’d asked for myself came as a shock, and a frustration. Even then he did not abandon me. He did not do that until I gave him no choice. What does he think of all I have done sense, both good and bad? I cannot tell you. I can only say that the loss of the friendship and training I received healthily and appropriately from him was great, and there is no replacement.

Do I still live with the fear I won’t be allowed back to the school when time comes for me to need to be? Yes, have I followed through with all my shoulder treatment? No. Why? Because of this fear. If I do all that is wanted to be done, there is a chance I might either need to see if Campbell could be retrained, or worse need to retire him. Both things would require my return to the school, and should Campbell be able to be retrained it would be my desire that, whether I worked with him or not, that Drew work with Campbell, and I don’t know how that could be done and well without the two of us at the very least speaking to one another. Could I and would I work with Drew on a professional level? Absolutely. He is a top notch trainer, and I am more than willing and able mentally and other to put my feelings in their proper place and do what would be necessary for the good of our team. Did Drew and I accomplish what was set out for us to do? yes, at school the goal was to make Campbell and I the best guide dog team we could be. We did this and with great success. The goal when he came here to visit was to map out a safe route to and from my work place at the time, and that was accomplished as well. Did we remain in contact after? yes, at times we did. Did we do anything inappropriate? No we did not, not at any time. Did my behavior for a time become inappropriate? Yes it did, and has Drew spoken to me during this? No he has not. He has left word with trusted staff that he, “Understands I was under a lot of stress.” and, “I wish her no ill will.”

Has he answered the questions I have asked, “Did you say to someone that you believed the time you spent with me in class, and at my home was a waste?” and did you also say, “I regret assisting her to have Campbell” No he has not. Why? I cannot tell you, but this day, this hour, and this moment in time I can do nothing but go onward. Now, on to another subject of hurt for me. My daughter. She and I had a disagreement tabout three years back. She believes one thing and I say another. Is this the true problem? No it is not. Can I make it right on my own? No I cannot. Did I have a hand in making the problem? Yes I did. Did she too have a hand in it? Yes she did. Is she meeting me half way to fix the problem and let me see my grand children again? No she is not. Do I feel this is fair? No I don’t. I am tired of being passive agressive about all these things. The things I speak of here are not wrong they are not agressive and they are not untrue, and if anyone mentioned here finds out about it and would like to comment, they’re more than welcome to do so. Want to private message me? Go to my FB page and do so, or go to my site and email if you don’t have the address. If you need the number it is there, I need the closure to “Be Well” and I am “Taking a chance” and hoping for the “Fifty percent of right”

Blessid Be.

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